I’ve been wanting to sit down and write this post for a week or so but I just haven’t had time. I want to share my feelings for many reasons and one of them is because I’ve had several people ask me how I’m doing. So, I guess the best place to start is in the beginning.
Robby and I found out that we were expecting our third baby a little over a month ago. We were surprised, but excited! We had planned on starting to try for baby #3 after the first of the year but were pleasantly surprised to be pregnant a few months earlier! About a week after we found out, I started having some problems. I don’t know anyway to explain it, but I had a deep feeling that things weren’t right. I called the Dr about the problems and they told me to ‘take it easy’ and call if things got worse. So, I took it easy and things actually got better for a day or two. I tried to shake the uneasy feeling but two days later I started bleeding again.
That day (Nov 17th) actually started unusual. I woke up around 6:30am to find my husband still in the bed with me. I asked him if he was going to work.. and if not, then why? He never just stays home to stay home. He said that he just decided to take a day and hang out with me and the boys. So, since things had gotten better we decided to take a trip to look at Christmas trees with the boys. We were all going stir crazy! The Hub’s mom was going to get us a new tree for Christmas and we were trying to decide on what we wanted. So, we spent about 2 hours looking at new trees and decided to eat lunch on our way home and just get the first one I had liked… at WalMart! At lunch is when my problems started again. I decided that when I got home I would call my Dr back. The Hubs had already talked to his mom and planned on meeting her at WalMart, so I just had him drop me off at home. He and the boys met her there, while I talked to the nurse. The NP said I could come in right then and have a sonogram. My first apt wasn’t for a week later. I called the Hubs and they were checking out. We only live 5 min from WalMart so they were home quick and thankfully my mother-in-law was there to keep the boys. Coincidence?
So, to make a long story short we made it to the Dr and I was taken back pretty quickly. I prayed the whole time that God would just give me a peace no matter what. I found myself that day and even the days prior wanting to just know… so I could move on. I really think I already knew. I just wanted to know for sure. I was suppose to be 7 weeks and 2 days. So, she started the sonogram and I immediately knew something was wrong. There was nothing there, only a sac. At 7+ weeks there should be a baby and a heartbeat. And while some people may be off on their dates, I wasn’t. I got a positive pregnancy test on October 26, over 3 weeks before this sonogram. There is no way it was too early to see a heartbeat. So, my Dr gave me the options to think it over and decide what I wanted to do. I decided to wait and have blood work over the course of a few days. Because, although I knew, I wanted the numbers to prove the feeling I had, 100%. My blood work showed numbers that matched the supposed gestation of the baby… meaning the hCG levels showed a 7-8 week pregnancy, but the sonogram only showed a sac measuring around 5 weeks. That was my confirmation although, like I said, I already knew in my heart.
I got home and did research about what my type of miscarriage meant. Was I ever pregnant? Was there a baby? I needed to know these answers. My heart needed to know. Yes, there was a baby. My baby. He or she was just too small to be seen on sonor. A fertilized egg implants but the embryo stops developing very early. Life begins at conception. My baby had died in my womb.
I chose to miscarry naturally. I actually prayed that if it was His will, He would allow me to do so before I had to have more blood work on Monday and He did. The actual miscarriage happened Sunday, Nov 21. It was difficult, emotionally and physically. But I think the physical part was good for me. It was hard but it was healing. Monday my hcg levels were less than half of what they were just three days prior. I’m still having blood work waiting on my numbers to go all the way down. Hopefully today was the last one. It can take a few weeks if you miscarry naturally.
My heart was broken. But God gave me such peace. It really is unexplainable. His peace truly does surpass all understanding (Phil. 4:7). When family asked how I was, I told them that I was okay. And I was. He was with me. He has ordained all of my days and has promised to never leave me. He knew my husband needed to be with me. He knew my mother-in-law needed to be near. He knew. And He is so beautiful. What a wonderful God! I praise Him for being so near and being so involved in the details of my life! He is so good!! I know where my baby is. No, he or she is not sitting on a white cloud with wings. My baby is in the presence of Jehovah and that is comfort in itself!
I want to share a little bit about Luke and how he handled it, but I’ll have to do that later! I do want to thank those of you who have prayed for us during this time! We are so thankful and appreciative!
“Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
for his steadfast love endures forever!” Psalm 118:29